Hometown— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and organize the information: start with a clear topic sentence naming the hometown and its location, then add one or two specific supporting details (landscape, atmosphere). Avoid vague phrases and redundancy. Use linking words to connect ideas.

例: I come from Dharan, a town in eastern Nepal. It sits between the hills and the Thora area, surrounded by forests and clean air, which makes it a healthy and pleasant place to live.

提案: Begin with a direct topic sentence stating what you like, then give specific examples (scenery, forests, viewpoints) and use linking words to list them. Avoid vague or incorrect collocations like 'picturesque comprehensive.'

例: I love Dharan's natural beauty. For example, it has dramatic hilltop viewpoints, dense forests with walking trails, and peaceful riverside spots that are perfect for relaxation.

提案: Start with a clear time statement, then give concise, specific examples of changes and use linking words to show sequence or cause. Avoid awkward phrasing like 'good source of amenities.'

例: I've lived in Dharan for about 22 years. During that time we have seen improvements in healthcare, better schools, and faster communication networks, which have made daily life more convenient.

提案: Give a direct opinion, then balance with specific reasons and a comparison. Use linking words like 'however' and avoid repetition and vague phrases. Mention particular opportunities missing in your town and why cities offer more.

例: I think Dharan is a good place for young people because it is safe and has a strong community. However, cities offer more career and higher education opportunities, so many young people move to urban areas to find better jobs and professional training.

× My hometown is on the eastern part of Nepal, it's called Dharan and it lies between the hills and Thora area and the environment around.

✓ My hometown is in the eastern part of Nepal; it's called Dharan and it lies between the hills and the Thora area, with pleasant surroundings.

The definite article 'the' is required with 'eastern part' and 'Thora area' to specify the known region; use 'in' rather than 'on' for parts of a country. Also the original is a run-on sentence: separate clauses with a semicolon and improve phrasing ('the environment around' -> 'pleasant surroundings') for clarity. Suggestion: Use 'in the eastern part of [country]' and include 'the' before named areas when specific.

× It's quite healthy and worth living here.

✓ It's quite healthy and worth living in.

The preposition is incorrect with 'living here' when describing the place's quality; also 'worth living here' is awkward. Use 'worth living in' to correctly modify the noun 'place'. Suggestion: Say 'worth living in' to describe suitability.

× It's an area of outstanding natural beauty and for me one of the most beautiful places on the earth.

✓ It's an area of outstanding natural beauty and, for me, one of the most beautiful places on earth.

The phrase 'on the earth' is unidiomatic; use 'on earth' without 'the'. Add commas to set off the parenthetical 'for me' for correct sentence structure. Suggestion: Use 'on earth' and punctuate parenthetical phrases.

× It has everything fantastic scenery, dense forest and the picturesque comprehensive.

✓ It has everything: fantastic scenery, dense forests and picturesque views.

The original is a list lacking proper punctuation and contains the incorrect noun phrase 'the picturesque comprehensive' which is ungrammatical. Replace with 'picturesque views' and use a colon and commas to present the list clearly. Suggestion: Use parallel nouns in lists and ensure each item is grammatically correct.

× I have been living here for about 22 years and in this time I have seen some changes in my community with the good source of amenities regarding health, education and communication.

✓ I have been living here for about 22 years, and during this time I have seen some changes in my community, such as better amenities for health, education and communication.

The phrase 'in this time' is awkward; 'during this time' is idiomatic. 'With the good source of amenities' is ungrammatical; specify 'better amenities for' and list sectors. Add commas for clarity. Suggestion: Use 'during this time' and clear noun phrases like 'better amenities for health'.

× OK, for young people I think it is a quite good place to live in, but in cities area there are some plenty of opportunity as compared to my hometown but but be more beneficial to the young ones further.

✓ OK, for young people I think it is a quite good place to live in, but in urban areas there are more opportunities compared to my hometown, which are more beneficial for young people.

Multiple issues: 'cities area' should be 'urban areas'; 'some plenty of opportunity' mixes quantifiers—use 'more opportunities' (plural). The clause 'but but be more beneficial to the young ones further' is ungrammatical; rephrase to show comparison and benefit. Also remove duplicate 'but'. Suggestion: Use 'urban areas' and 'more opportunities', and construct clear comparative clauses like 'which are more beneficial for young people.'