Views— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise, correct minor grammar and avoid repetition. Start with a clear topic sentence, then give one or two specific supporting details with linking words. Reduce redundancy (e.g., remove repeated words) and correct phrasing like "I prefer making videos" and "more effectively than pictures."

例: I’m not a big fan of photography; I prefer making videos. For example, by using different camera angles and matching footage to music, I can show the mood and tell a short story more effectively than with a single photo.

提案: Give a direct topic sentence and strengthen coherence. Remove hesitations and vague phrases like "you might not agree" unless necessary. Use a linking phrase to add a reason and include one specific example of what you like in cities (e.g., skyscrapers, street art).

例: I prefer views in urban areas. I enjoy contemporary architecture and the modern vibe of cities; for example, I like skyscrapers, illuminated streets at night and interesting street art, which feel more exciting to me than rural scenes.

提案: Start with a clear topic sentence and avoid filler phrases. Use a linking word to explain the condition (e.g., "if") and provide precise descriptions rather than vague intensifiers like "overfilled." Correct place names (e.g., Skardu) and remove hesitations. Add a brief reason why those places are special.

例: It depends on the type of view: for scenic natural views, I prefer my country. For instance, Pakistan’s Hunza, Fairy Meadows and Skardu are famous for their dramatic mountain landscapes and clear lakes, so many international tourists visit to enjoy the scenery.

× I rather I enjoy making videos because by combining different different camera angles and by combining it with different songs, I can convey my emotions more effectively as compared to the pictures.

✓ I would rather enjoy making videos because by combining different camera angles and different songs, I can convey my emotions more effectively than with pictures.

Use of 'I rather I enjoy' is incorrect; 'would rather' + base verb or 'prefer' should be used. Also avoid repeating 'different'. Use comparative 'more effectively than with pictures' instead of 'as compared to the pictures.' Suggestion: use 'I would rather enjoy making videos' or simply 'I prefer making videos.'

× You might not agree with me, but I prefer the scenes or the views in urban areas as I belong to Gen. Z so I like contemporary architectures.

✓ You might not agree with me, but I prefer scenes or views in urban areas because I belong to Gen Z, so I like contemporary architecture.

'Contemporary architectures' is incorrect because 'architecture' is an uncountable noun when referring to style; use singular. 'As' can be used but 'because' is clearer. Also 'the scenes or the views' is wordy; use 'scenes or views.' Remove periods in 'Gen Z.'

× The modern vibe of the city attracts me rather than, uh, the villages.

✓ The modern vibe of the city attracts me more than rural villages do.

Original structure 'attracts me rather than, the villages' is awkward and incomplete; comparison needs parallel structure. Use 'more than rural villages do' to compare correctly. Avoid filler 'uh.'

× OK, so I think it depends upon what kind of views are we talking about.

✓ OK, so I think it depends on what kind of views we are talking about.

Incorrect word order for embedded question. In statements use subject-verb order 'we are' not question order 'are we.' Also 'depends on' is more natural than 'depends upon' here.

× If I talk about the scenic natural views, then Pakistan would always be on the top of the list, particularly areas like Fairy Meadows, Hunza and Sakurdu.

✓ If I talk about scenic natural views, then Pakistan would always be at the top of the list, particularly areas like Fairy Meadows, Hunza and Skardu.

Use 'at the top of the list' not 'on the top.' 'The scenic natural views' is wordy; 'scenic natural views' without 'the' is fine. Also correct spelling 'Skardu.'

× These areas are just overfilled with the natural beauty that I think nobody can ever, uh, refuse to and even many foreigners come to Pakistan to view these things.

✓ These areas are just overflowing with natural beauty that I think nobody can ever refuse, and many foreigners even come to Pakistan to see these places.

'Overfilled with the natural beauty' is awkward; 'overflowing with natural beauty' is idiomatic and 'the' unnecessary. 'Refuse to' lacks an object; use 'refuse' alone. 'Come to Pakistan to view these things' is informal; use 'come to Pakistan to see these places.' Also remove filler 'uh.'