Views— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more natural and concise. Start with a clear topic sentence, avoid hesitations and irrelevant words, and add one specific supporting detail using a linking word. Keep it under five sentences.

例: Yes, I enjoy taking photos of different views. For example, when I visited Dubai recently I photographed the Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world, because its design and height were impressive. I usually take pictures when I travel to preserve memories.

提案: Answer directly and clearly. State your preference in a topic sentence (e.g., 'I prefer both') then give two specific contrasting reasons with linking words like 'for example' and 'on the other hand.' Avoid vague phrases and incomplete sentences.

例: I prefer both urban and rural views for different reasons. For example, in cities I photograph modern architecture and vibrant street scenes, while on the other hand rural areas offer historical monuments and natural landscapes that feel timeless.

提案: Be specific and avoid vague pronouns. Start with a clear statement about preference, then explain why with a concrete example or criterion. Use linking words like 'because' to show reason and keep sentences concise.

例: I don't have a strong preference between my country and others because I choose views based on how striking they are. For instance, I photographed a colorful temple at home because of its intricate details, and in Paris I took photos of the riverbanks because of the romantic atmosphere.

× Yes, being a shuttle I really like to click pictures of different views and recently umm, I visited to uh, Dubai so I clicked picture of Burj Khalifa that is the tallest building in the world and I really like clicking pictures whenever I go somewhere to make memories.

✓ Yes, being a student I really like to take pictures of different views, and recently I visited Dubai, so I took a picture of the Burj Khalifa, which is the tallest building in the world. I really like taking pictures whenever I go somewhere to make memories.

The original sentence contains several problems: wrong word choice ('shuttle' instead of 'student'), unnecessary preposition 'to' after 'visited', inconsistent verb forms ('click' vs 'clicked'), missing articles ('the Burj Khalifa'), and a run-on structure. Suggestions: use 'student' if that was intended; use 'visit' without 'to' in past tense; choose consistent verbs ('take' is more natural than 'click' for photos) and keep past tense for completed actions ('visited', 'took'); add 'the' before named landmarks and break into shorter sentences for clarity.

× Well, I prefer both to some extent because in urban areas, new buildings are promoting their, uh, advertisements in the TV, uh, from which I become influenced and go there and also click pictures to make memories.

✓ Well, I prefer both to some extent because in urban areas new buildings promote their advertisements on TV, which influences me to visit them and take pictures to make memories.

Errors include awkward phrasing and incorrect preposition 'in the TV' (should be 'on TV'), unnecessary comma placement and tense/voice issues ('are promoting their advertisements' is wordy). Also 'become influenced' is unnatural; use 'influences me' and maintain present simple for general habits. Suggestions: use 'promote' rather than progressive unless emphasizing ongoing action, use 'on TV', and use 'visit them and take pictures' for clarity.

× Apart from that, in many rural areas, there are historical monuments, uh, which are part of.

✓ Apart from that, many rural areas have historical monuments that are part of their heritage.

The clause 'which are part of' is incomplete and lacks an object. Also 'there are' is acceptable but can be more concise as 'have'. Suggestion: complete the idea by specifying what the monuments are part of, e.g., 'their heritage'.

× Well, I really like their views that are good and memorable.

✓ Well, I really like views that are beautiful and memorable.

Using 'their views' is unclear because the referent of 'their' is not specified. It's better to say 'views' directly and choose a clearer adjective like 'beautiful'. Suggestion: avoid unnecessary pronouns when the noun can stand alone.

× It can be either in my country or besides my own country.

✓ It can be either in my country or in other countries.

'Besides my own country' is awkward and unidiomatic here. Use 'in other countries' to express locations outside one's own country. Also maintain parallel structure with 'in' repeated.

× So I prefer the views that look great and always mesmerize me to click their pictures and make memorable.

✓ So I prefer views that look great and always mesmerize me, so I take their pictures to create lasting memories.

Problems: 'mesmerize me to click their pictures' is ungrammatical — an infinitive after 'mesmerize' is not appropriate. 'Make memorable' is incomplete; use 'create lasting memories'. Use 'take' instead of 'click' for natural phrasing. Suggestions: separate ideas with a clause indicating result or purpose and use appropriate verb forms ('take' and 'create').