Relax— Part 1 採点レポート

提案: Be more concise and avoid repetition. Start with a clear topic sentence, then add one specific detail (how the park helps you relax) using a linking word. Reduce redundant phrases like “I usually” repeated and correct small grammar issues (e.g., “a 30-minute walk in the park”).

例: I usually relax in the nearby park. For example, I take a 30-minute walk along the tree-lined paths, which helps me clear my mind, and then I often stop at a coffee shop to unwind.

提案: Avoid fillers and repeated words, and organize the answer with a clear topic sentence followed by contrasting details using linking words (e.g., “but” or “however”). Correct phrasing like “by walking in the park” and remove hesitation sounds (“uh”).

例: It depends on the activity. If I want a quiet walk, I relax alone because I enjoy the solitude; however, if I want to be pampered, I usually go with my mother so we can have a full-body massage together.

提案: Provide a concise topic sentence and add one or two specific reasons using linking words. Replace vague phrase “a lot is going on in my head” with more precise language like “when I feel stressed or overwhelmed.”

例: Yes, I find music very relaxing because when I feel stressed or overwhelmed I open Spotify and play Christian songs; singing along helps calm my thoughts and lift my mood.

提案: Use correct tense and avoid repetition. Start with a clear topic sentence, then give one specific supporting detail with a linking word (e.g., “because”). Fix small grammar errors: “I need” instead of “I needed,” “a 15-minute walk to the park,” and remove duplicate words.

例: When I need to relax, I usually take a 15-minute walk to the nearby park because the fresh air and open sky help me feel calmer and more focused.

× When I need a time off I usually go to the park and take a long walk.

✓ When I need time off I usually go to the park and take a long walk.

The phrase 'a time off' is incorrect; 'time off' is an uncountable noun and should not take the indefinite article 'a'. Remove 'a' to use the correct noun phrase. Also no tense change is needed.

× I usually have a 30 minute walk along the park and go to a coffee shop after.

✓ I usually take a 30-minute walk in the park and go to a coffee shop afterwards.

Use 'take a walk' rather than 'have a walk' in natural English. 'Along the park' is incorrect; use 'in the park' or 'along the path in the park'. '30 minute' should be hyphenated as a compound adjective: '30-minute'. 'After' at sentence end is better replaced with 'afterwards'.

× Oh, it depends on what I want to do. When I want to relax myself by by walking along the along the park, I usually do it by myself.

✓ Oh, it depends on what I want to do. When I want to relax by walking in the park, I usually do it by myself.

Redundant 'myself' is unnecessary; 'relax' is intransitive here so 'relax myself' is awkward. Remove duplicate words 'by by' and 'along the along the'. Use 'in the park' rather than 'along the park'.

× But when I want to relax by pampering, I usually call my mother to uh so that we can both have a whole body massage.

✓ But when I want to be pampered, I usually call my mother so that we can both have a full-body massage.

'Relax by pampering' is awkward; use passive 'be pampered' or 'have a pampering session'. Remove filler 'to uh'. Use 'full-body' as the correct adjective and hyphenate it. The infinitive 'to' before 'so that' is unnecessary and causes structure issues.

× Definitely yes, because when a lot is going on in my head I always open the Spotify and play Christian songs and sing my heart out.

✓ Definitely yes, because when a lot is going on in my head I always open Spotify, play Christian songs, and sing my heart out.

'Open the Spotify' is incorrect article usage; use 'open Spotify' or 'open the Spotify app'. Also the original sentence had extra commas missing; list items should be separated with commas and 'and' before the last item. This fixes sentence flow and article use.

× Whenever I am stressed and I needed to relax, I usually go for a 15 minute walk at the park from where I live.

✓ Whenever I am stressed and need to relax, I usually go for a 15-minute walk to the park near where I live.

Tense mismatch: 'am stressed' (present) should be followed by 'need' (present), not 'needed' (past). '15 minute' should be hyphenated as '15-minute'. 'At the park from where I live' is awkward; use 'to the park near where I live' for natural preposition and word order.

× It is a 7 minute walk and the the grass and the sky makes me feel relaxed.

✓ It is a seven-minute walk, and the grass and the sky make me feel relaxed.

'7 minute' should be written 'seven-minute' or '7-minute' and hyphenated as a compound adjective. 'the the' is duplicated; remove the extra 'the'. Subject-verb agreement: 'the grass and the sky' is plural so use 'make' not 'makes'.